Here I am

Here I am
At home all alone in this cold Febuary morning thinking of you
But do you even care?

Here I am
Missing you like crazy, even though I try not to
But do you even miss me?

Have you forgotten me already?
Do you ever think of the times we spend together?
Are you ever reminded of me by little things here and there?
Or have you erased all your memories of me from your mind?

Friends say I need to move on
I am trying and I think I am making progress
But even when I try and keep myself busy
Every morning when I wake up, and every night before I fall asleep
You’re the only thing on my mind.

I try and I try
But I can’t help it
Oh what am I to do?

So here I am
Helpless and handicapped
Hoping to rise from my ashes
Just like a phoenix.

RECOVERY!

Losar greetings to all !!!

Oh Valentine, where art thou?

All my life I've never really cared for Valentine's Day. For me its always been just another day. Seriously, why should I care? Its not like we get the day off from school, right!. Every year Valentine's Day come and go before I know it, and it affects me in no way. I mean absolutely no way!! You know how you hear about, read about, see on tv, or even know people personally who particularly on this day get depressed as they are reminded of how empty and lonesome their lives are by this certain 'Day for Lovers'; well not me. However, the more I thought of this true fact, the more intrigued I was. "Well" I thought, "not that I care, but how come I've never had to celebrate Valentine's Day? Does that mean that I have been single every fucking Valentine's Day of my life? But how can that be? I know I am not the most luckiest girl in this world when it comes to love and romance, but I have been in a couple of short-lived relationships here and there. Did none of my relationships ever go through a Valentine's Day? Seriously, but how can that be!! Forget about spending this day with a significant other, hell I've never even spent Valentine's Day thinking 'Oh I wish we were still together, then we'd be in each other arms celebrating this special day together'. "

As I kept thinking of these things and gasping in disbelief at my history of (or the lack of) Valentine's Day, I realized that other than this most recent one I've never ever had a break-up. Every previous guy that I've dated or had an interest in, well the love/ attraction just faded away mutually from both sides, so in a way I've never had to say goodbye, be heartbroken, or cry over lost love until now. WOW, how come I never thought of it before!! May be this is why Valentine's Day for me was never a day to celebrate love or cry over who could have been the love of your life. However, with the recent events in my life, I'm kinda dreading Valentine's Day. I know I will be thinking stuff like "If only things had worked out between us, we'd be celebration this day (not necessarily together because of the distance)". As it is I miss him a lot, and I know that on that certain day I will be missing him more than usual, and I don't want that to happen. My only saving grace is the fact that this year Losar (Tibetan New Year) happens to fall on the same day as this dreaded day. Thank God!!! So that means that on Feb 14 this year I will be dressed in chuba, in cho cho Lodoe's house celebrating Losar with the rest of my family (can you believe its the year of the Tiger already. Wow seriously am I that old!) I know being with family and wishing everyone "Losar Tashi Delek" will take my mind of the fact that its Valentine's Day, but I dont think the V-day decorations all over the stores, posters of the new upcoming movie Valentine's Day all over the subway will help me forget it.


Here's the trailer :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPEipw_fcco


Talking of this movie, I really want to watch it. I first came upon the trailer of this movie on youtube back in September or October, and instantly wanted to watch it (well, the fact that I was in a relationship back then and really happy was a major factor in this enthusiasm towards this movie). I even remember sending the link to the trailer to my friend TT on facebook, and writing on her wall 'we HAVE to watch this movie when it comes out'. Well, that was back in September. Its almost Febuary now, and I still want to watch it but I'm not sure if I shoud cuz I feel like it'll only remind me of what I lost, what could have been, and all the emotions that I was finally able to suppress in order to move on will resurface and I will be back on square one. O what the hell, its only a movie for God's sake! Movies are just made for entertainment, right?

Ummm, I really dont know where this post is heading. Seems like I'm just typing whatever is coming to my mind. See I soooo lack direction, both in my blog posts, and in my life. O well, I'm not gonna bore you guys any longer.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY AND HAPPY LOSAR TO EVERYONE!!

(in advance obviously)

No More

No more self pity
No more hating myself
No more loathing my life
No more dwelling on only one thing
No more wanting to kill myself
No more being accused of throwing tantrums
No more feeling worthless and useless
No more feeling like I'm so ugly
No more getting heartbroken again and again
No more being taken for granted and trampled upon

Why is being with the one you love so hard?
Why does falling in love come with so many difficulties?
Why is it so much harder and confusing than it needs to be?
Why does he make it that way?
Why do I love him soooo much?
I guess this is the price I have to pay for being in love with him.

Heartbroken yet another time....

I feel pathetic right now. Yet again I fell into the trap and didnt even know. I was just used like some cheap toilet paper. I felt sorry for him and now, look who's heartbroken yet again. I am no baharwali, rakhel, or a shangri. Ahhhh.... as much as it hurts and as much as I miss him I was doing fine living my own life, and now again I feel like my heart just hit the ground. Why do you keep doing this to me? After all I'm a human too, it hurts ok. I'm broken, completely broken, mentally and emotional!!! Are you really this heartless? You used to be in love with me once. At least for the sake of those times, just let me be, leave me alone please. Dont you have a heart? Even when I try to ignore you, you insist on talking to me or meeting me only to end up being "I have to go pick/call her up". If that was the case then why do you insist on talking to me. Why are you so manipulative? And poor me I keep falling for it over and over again. I keep telling myself that I am done crying over you, but the truth in I love you a lot.  I hate you so so so much, but more than that I hate the fact that I love you so much!!! I'm sorry I know I said I'll try my best to avoid making this blog very personal-diarish, but I can't help it. This is my only outlet.

Finally, after more than a month since I decided to start a blog, here I am actually doing it. Within this time I've had lots of ideas for blog posts, but as I kept delaying on creating this blog, the ideas became more and more outdated as the drama in my life kept unfolding. I've never been a good writer or a creative person for that matter, so all this is new to me. My main concern is that I may end up turning this into some sort of personal diary, which I really want to avoid. So there it is.... my blog......